May 17 is  International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia. I started a lot of different entries for this hop, but since this is most likely a preaching-to-the-choir exercise, in the end I figured I’d just share a personal story of hope.

In my last year of college, my best friend of four years suddenly revealed himself to be homophobic and against gay rights. I’m not exactly sure how we spent four years as friends without the topic ever coming up, but there it was our senior year, rearing its ugly head in the middle of what had otherwise been a quiet evening spent talking as we lay curled up on my twin size bed.

First, I was shocked. Then he was. Why did the topic matter so much to me when I wasn’t gay? I couldn’t get him to understand, and as we continued to discuss the issue, voices rose and words became angrier. Emotions overcame me, and I may have resorted to name-calling. He brought his religion into the discussion and tried to paint me as the one doing the discriminating. At the climax of the argument, he went to storm out of my apartment, and I yelled, (loud enough so that all my apartment mates and probably the neighbors could hear) “If you were such a good Catholic, you wouldn’t be letting your girlfriend suck your dick.”

No, I’m not proud of the tactics I resorted to, or of making him feel like I was belittling his religion. Looking back, I think the reason I was so angry was because I was so close to him—it filled me with disappointment and sadness to learn we stood so far apart on this issue. Anger was just an easier emotion to cling to.

That night very well could have been the end of our friendship. And the experience wouldn’t have been without a lesson—I now knew to bring up such important issues earlier on in a friendship, so as not to waste time getting in too deep with someone who would only disappoint me later.

But instead of cutting ties, I waited about a week, giving us both a chance to calm down. Then I went to him and apologized for screaming about his sex life in front of other people. I also apologized for any perceived attack on his religion, and for the name-calling…but not for my beliefs. We spoke calmly, and I tried to point out the inconsistencies in his stance (essentially the my-religion-says-it’s-wrong stance) without placing too much judgment. And while I did not get him to magically change his mind in that one conversation, he did agree to reevaluate his beliefs.

Nothing happened overnight. I don’t know what I would have done if he’d given me a “final answer” of not supporting gay rights, but so long as he was open to the idea of change, I was willing to pursue the friendship. I kept my campaign fairly constant, and he always knew it was on my mind. Perhaps in part due to this conflict of ours, he decided he needed to broaden his horizons and experience a bit of life outside of his comfort zone. After we graduated college, he joined Americorps.

When he returned from that experience months later, he came to my house and I knew immediately from his face that we were going to have a serious talk. Turned out, he wanted to thank me and tell me I was right (not gonna lie, that was a fantastic moment). One of the members of his Americorps team had been gay—possibly the first gay person he’d ever met. After getting to know this individual, he finally realized why I was so adamant about supporting gay rights, even if it meant him turning away from his religion, at least in part. And while it was never my intention to get him to choose one or the other, in the end he decided he couldn’t reconcile his Church’s stance with his new beliefs. He chose to remain spiritual, and is now a firm supporter of gay rights.

I realize not all stories like this can have a happy ending. Some people are so set in their ways that no amount of arguing, civil or otherwise, will get through to them. But I wanted to share this positive experience in case anyone ever finds themselves in a similar position. Sometimes our inclination is to excise people from our lives who disagree with us on something so fundamental. While I’d never fault anyone for making a decision like that to keep themselves healthy in body and mind, I do think there are occasionally reasons to stick around and fight.

People can surprise you.

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To be entered to win a NOH8 unisex tank top (as worn by my favorite gladiator), leave a comment below. Alternately, if you’d rather not give out your snail mail address, you can choose an equivalent donation to NOH8 and an e-copy of my novel, Social Skills. Contest closes on May 27. Winner will be notified by email.

Check out other posts here:

http://hopagainsthomophobia.blogspot.com/

Thanks for stopping by.

Self-Publishing and Letting Go + giveaway =)

For my giveaway this month, I asked readers to share their favorite orchestral or Broadway pieces, since Connor shares some of his in Social Skills. Going through their suggestions reminded me of old favorites, and introduced me to some new works as well.

I compiled a Reader’s Favorites list on Grooveshark, if anyone else is interested in giving these pieces a listen.

Beethoven’s 7th Symphony (Tim)- I’ve played it before, and loved it. It’s also pretty popular in movies, so even if you don’t think you’ve “heard of it”, you probably have. It starts out a little somber, builds into something brighter, and then tiptoes into the ending.

Concerto for Orchestra by Bela Bartok (Geoff)- This is one of those works where you can imagine a whole epic storyline going on behind it.

Beethoven’s Sonata Pathétique (Madison)- A beautiful, mostly gentle piece that is popular even outside the classical music world (although it has its angstier moments). Found it on lots of good-for-your-baby CDs when compiling the playlist. ☺

Wagner’s Siegfried’s Death and Funeral March (Steve)- The title probably gives you an idea of the “tone” of this one (tone used in the non-musical sense here ).

Rossini’s La Gazza Ladra (Steve)- A little sad after the Funeral March? Need something bright and energizing? Here you go. ☺

Hikari written by Yoko Shimamura and arranged by Kaoru Wada (Nathan)- I’d never heard this one before, but it’s a grand, uplifting piece, and I enjoyed listening to it.

“Move On” and “Sunday” from Sunday in the Park with George (Richard)- Some Broadway for a change of pace. I’ll confess I hadn’t heard of this musical before. “Move on” was a really nice song.

Vivaldi’s Four Seasons (Jill)- Some more super-popular classical music. I’ve played Autumn and Spring in an orchestra (the ones everyone has heard before). The other day my brother and I were wondering if kids would still learn as much classical music without those old cartoons…I’m pretty sure they gave me my first exposure to the Four Seasons.

Barber’s Adagio for Strings (Phantasmagoria)- This one also makes an appearance in movies and TV shows to tug at people’s heartstrings. Oh, and in Social Skills, too Played it in high school and it definitely left an impact.

Thanks to everyone for sharing your musical favorites! If I haven’t bored you to death with music, a Music from Social Skills playlist is coming soon. ☺

By the magic of the random number generator, the winners are:

Winner 1: Paperback and album of choice—Steve

Winner 2: Album of choice—Richard

Winners have been contacted by email.

Thanks to everyone who participated! Reader’s Favorites and Music from Social Skills playlists coming soon. ☺

This past weekend I attended a NOH8 photo shoot in San Diego.

Being in a hot, crowded conference room with people I don’t know would usually be far outside my comfort zone, and something I’d avoid. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous, or that I suddenly became the world’s most outgoing person and formed lifelong friendships in the hour I waited for my photo. But I did meet individuals, couples, and families whose smiles made my day a little brighter. And even with those I didn’t really meet, just the simple exchange of eye contact with that depth behind it—we support this—meant something special.

I moved to California seven years ago from a…more conservative state. I hadn’t come to expect a lot from my state in the years I’d lived there (I am a member of a minority group or two). But California, now, California was the birthplace of cool. Surely a state such as this would be on the cutting edge of civil liberties, equal rights, and the freedom to marry. Right?

Guess you could say I was young and naïve. When Prop 8 was introduced, there was not a doubt in my mind that it would be defeated. I’d been living in LA for a couple of years, but I was still star-struck by how different life was in the city than in a rural southern town. So on November 4^th, 2008, I—along with many Californians, and Americans—was shocked and deeply disappointed.

Then came a guilt phase, where I realized my assumption that all Californians thought like me had led me to take a passive role. So these days I am a little less naïve, and I try to be more involved. Participating in the NOH8 event was just another small way to take a stand, for my friends, for my future kids, for my students, and for a better California.